It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post... I’m sorry for the long gap! The longer I left it, the more I had to say, and the more daunting it was to write it. Besides, I think I’ve just been too busy dealing with the new situation, and haven’t really had the resources to reflect and share. Today I’m not going to write about everything that’s been on my mind the past few months, though, because that would be too long, but I have been thinking a lot about how American society functions and how people interact with one another.
The first thing you notice is that Americans can come across as fake in social situations. They will say stuff just to seem nice. They may offer to introduce you to friends who have stuff in common with you or even give you their phone numbers, but the funny thing is: they may not follow up. At least that was my experience with a few of the people I’ve met in our building. (Friends from church are a different story, of course, but more about that later!) Secondly, everybody asks you how you are. This can range from, “How are you today?” from a store clerk to, “How are ya?” said with a sideways glance as a security guard joins you in the lift. The thing is this: almost none of those people are actually interested in how you are, and some don’t even expect a reply from you. I didn’t like it at first, having people who don’t know me from a bar of soap asking me how I am, just by way of a greeting. (On some days I was tempted to say, “Perfectly awful, if you must know”!) Besides, if you’re not interested, why ask? I saw it as a way of faking intimacy and giving you a good feeling so that you buy more stuff, or of coming across as a nice person. What is wrong with just good old, “Good morning” or “Hi”? I wondered. But then I realized that there are people who are interested and don’t just fling the question at you over the cash register because it’s company policy (my favourite cashier at Harris Teeter springs to mind). I also realized that many of the people who do so are tired and not loving their job. So I started making a point of replying, “Fine thank you. And you?” (and being genuinely interested), and it sometimes does lead to genuine interaction (although some still respond with, “What?”). Finally, the parting shot is never just, “Goodbye”/”Bye”, it’s “Enjoy your evening”, “Have a good one”, “Enjoy your day”...
Now I know that 99% of the time, the person asking me how I am is really just greeting me, and that a lot of what comes across as friendliness to newcomers is not going to be followed up on with close friendships. But the overall effect is to create an impression of goodwill in society, a sense that people really do wish each other well. The strange thing is, although it may come across as fake at first (that cardinal sin to the Dutchman – insincerity!), it is such a pleasure to be in a society where that politeness and at least the impression of goodwill oils the wheels of social interaction. Especially for someone as isolated as I have been for the past 2 months, every bit of warm human interaction (or interaction that creates the impression of warmth) is welcome. Also, people are open to chatting to strangers. In Holland you would never strike up a conversation with a stranger on the street. I’ve had some lovely chats with people here. And people are so polite! If somebody brushes against you by accident, or bumps into you, they don’t just say, “Sorry”, they say, “Excuse me please!”. “Excuse me please!” As if there is still a sense of mutual respect (which is, after all the reason for being polite) in this society that has leeched out of Dutch society. (Who says, “Neem me niet kwalijk” – the equivalent of “Excuse me please” – anymore?)
We are starting to slowly settle in. At least, I’m beginning to feel for the first time that we are settling into something like a routine. We “camped” in our apartment for 2 months before our stuff arrived from Holland. Just before they delivered it to us, we had a wonderful visit from my friend Agnes from Belgium. She came at just the right time, as I was starting to get into a spiral of negativity and passiveness, missing Delft and my friends and especially feeling that my life was pretty pointless. Many of the people we know from church work at NGOs here in Washington, making a difference in the world, and what was I doing? Just buying stuff at Target and doing a little translation. Agnes had a gap of 2 weeks before she was going to start a new job, so she decided to come over and visit me. It was the best gift anyone could have given me! It was not only wonderful to see my darling friend, but she also kicked my butt and got me to go to the Alliance Francaise to find out about courses, and to the French embassy to find out about an organisation called “Washington Accueil” (Washington Welcome), which has many different activities for French-speaking expats and francophiles here in the DC area. It looks very promising.
In the mean time, I have also got more involved in church activities and spending time with church friends. On Tuesdays we have our small group meetings – 9 of us meet up at one couple’s house, we share a meal together then talk about the previous Sunday’s sermon and pray together. And on Thursdays I meet up with my “triad”: a smaller group of 3 that commits to meeting once a week for prayer and accountability. Then of course there’s church on Sundays, and we always have a potluck meal afterwards, when we often stay and chat. I’ve started playing the cello in church on a more regular basis now (twice a month), and it’s great to be able to serve. Since we’ve been here I’ve been battling with a deep sense of insecurity when it comes to social situations. It’s so strange, because I thought I had finally outgrown that when we were in Holland. But now I’m back in that doubting and wondering about whether I’m likeable; the fact that I’m the odd one out because of my accent and background doesn’t help. Who would have thought that an accent can make you feel so out-of-place? It’s tragic, because this is supposed to be my own language, but there have been times when I’ve been talking to someone and feeling as if we were speaking two different languages because their pronunciation was so different from mine.
Social conventions are particularly tricky to navigate in Washington, because despite what it may seem from the outside, “American culture” is not at all uniform, and Washington DC is a kind of melting pot, with people coming here to work or study from all over the US (and the world). It’s pretty standard to ask someone where they’re from and get the name of a far-flung state in reply. The practical implications of this are a certain awkwardness. Can I touch someone while I’m speaking to them? How should I greet people? Is hugging okay? What jokes will people find funny? I’ve taken to hugging girls I’m friendly with and waving awkwardly at the guys. It’s those subtle social cues that I’m missing at the moment, and which will come later, along with the deepening of relationships and a better understanding of how individuals communicate nonverbally. Then perhaps I’ll understand (and trust) the signals that tell me, “You’re okay”.
Next time: pictures of what our apartment looks like with furniture! ;-)
